Mom burnout is a term that has been gaining traction in the past several months and years, particularly as more and more research is coming out about the high incidence of parental burnout in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic.  The impact of months and months of isolation, managing schooling at home, trying to care for homes, children and careers, all without the usual support structures has left parents, and moms in particular, exhausted, overwhelmed and deeply stressed out.  But if we’re honest, many of us were feeling burnout long before lockdowns and curfews and restrictions.  The way our societies and culture have set up families to exist as little islands, juggling everything alone is a recipe that is set up to create burnout.  And so it should come as no surprise that some 66% of working parents meet the criteria for burnout.*

And this is my story too.  If I’m honest, I was already feeling spent in 2018 after a difficult pregnancy, a newborn, a financial crisis at work, a husband in the final throws of his 5 year registrarship and trying to make it through his exams, helping out my chronically ill parents and spending time with my then 3 year old who has sensory processing difficulties that made typical milestones (like potty training and eating) a stressful journey.  And then, lockdown happened.  Suddenly I was plunged into a world of trying to work all night after caring for my children all day.  I was trying to do preschool at home, keep the house in a semblance of organization and solo parent while my husband continued to work in the hospital.  It was brutal. And by the time October rolled around and I was able to have more consistent childcare that allowed me to return to the office, I was utterly finished and neither the employee, nor the partner or mother I wanted to be.

But just what are the symptoms you should be looking out for when it comes to parental burnout?  The list that follows are the most common symptoms and can start to help you see whether you might perhaps also be experiencing mom burnout:

• Withdrawing from things you used to enjoy doing
• Struggling to stay or fall asleep
• Avoidance of people and things you once loved
• Changes in appetite
• Feeling exhausted and having no energy
• Feeling emotional including anxious, stressed, depressed or angry
• Increased irritability with those around you
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling like any new task will put you over the edge
• Feeling resentful of others, particularly your partner
• Feeling touched out and needing to be alone
• Waking up and not wanting the day to start
• Having difficulties controlling your worries and thoughts

These symptoms are all too common in my mom friend circles.  I’m sure they are in yours too.  However, these checklists are never comprehensive, and we would strongly encourage you to speak to your health care professional if you feel unable to cope, and to make sure there isn’t an underlying condition complicating your feelings of burnout.  But talking about the symptoms (or baring them in silence) will only get you so far.  I knew I had to seriously work on getting myself better, especially in light of our upcoming international move which would see me home with the kids permanently. My journey back to myself has been slow going, taking two steps forward and one step back. Truthfully, it’s taken more than a year to feel like I have found myself again, and it’s taken more than self-care to do it. And that’s what we need to talk about more.

So just what does it take to move past burnout and into living and even thriving again?  The thing that helped me the most, was being vulnerable.  To continue to speak up and admit I couldn’t do it all, to ask for help without always giving a reason (excuse) about why I needed it, to learn to say no more often and do less, even if all I would do was rest, to work on my own perceptions of myself and motherhood and realize I am enough, with all my flaws, and to learn to let some things go.  It’s not an easy journey, but at the end of it, I feel like I’ve gained more than I lost, which is perhaps the point of any journey no matter how arduous.  And just perhaps, my story can help another mom find what she needs to start her own journey of moving past burnout.  Because at the end of the day, we’re all in this together.

*Pandemic Parenting:  Examining the Epidemic of Working Parental Burnout and Strategies to help – Ohio State University, May 2022, https://wellness.osu.edu/sites/default/files/documents/2022/05/OCWO_ParentalBurnout_3674200_Report_FINAL.pdf

Written by Robyn Jacobs

So it is 20:57 and I am sitting down to a quiet home after having a frantic day! My normal day starts at about 4am when my one year old who sleeps in a cot in our bedroom wakes up, I stumble over my slippers to fetch her and cuddle her in bed knowing I probably have another 90 minutes of rest. But this 90 minutes is her foot in my back, rubbing of my hair and tossing around. I don’t care because I just need my eyes to not be open. Now it’s 05:30 – my alarm goes off. I press snooze. 06:05 I hear my two boys shouting at each other over Lego and suddenly my bedroom door is opened with a bang thanks to my needy dog who loves to wake us up. It’s go time. COFFEE. I need it, I desperately need it. My husband takes the kids to the kitchen as I make my way towards the light of the hallway. Husband hands me a warm cup of coffee while my kids are fighting over who is stronger, Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader (we are Star Wars obsessed at the moment!) My 1 year old now can’t walk and needs to be carried to breakfast. Ok, caffeine hits and all of a sudden it’s 06:45. Time to get going. Check lunches are packed, kids brushed their teeth, washed their face, and dressed appropriately. Shoes on, homework and library book in the school bags. I am dressed, my lunch packed and we out of the door but wait, there is a tantrum, or a bribe that needs to be made just to get one of the kids into the car so we can start the day.

Drop the kids off and then there are emails that need responding, meetings to be had, strategic vision and planning to be implemented, people to manage, financial crises to handle and in-between making sure the kids are okay, did I check in with the husband about how he is doing, checking if I made that doctors appointment, then before you know it is school pick up, homework, play time, supper time, bedtime, and whatever-is-left time.

It is no wonder that they say, being a working moms is the equivalent of working 2.5 jobs in a recent study. Welsch (2018) states that working moms work about 98 hours a week. Well, that explains the bags under my eyes. But seriously, being a working mom is incredibly hard particularly when you feel like you not doing anything to the best of your ability and then you carry guilt around which, let’s face it, makes you feel like a failure, overwhelmed, lonely and sometimes depressed. Trying to juggle it all may feel impossible sometimes. I know. And it is okay to feel like that because it is A LOT.

With all of these balls in the air, what I found helpful is ensuring that you have a handle on time management. Being able to be good with your time helps you feel less overwhelmed and have a bit more in control of the day that is ahead of you. So I’m going to share with you the most effective tips that I find for time management:

1. Routine, Routine, Routine: this saves my mental energy and reduces stress. This doesn’t just include bedtime and morning routines but also meal prep, chores, check-ups etc. Instead of asking “What are we having for dinner?” or “When last did we clean out the freezer?” Routine helps to free up time and help you focus.
2. Prioritise: This means knowing what to say no too. I work in 3 zones – urgent, important & delay. This helps me know what needs to be done right away, what needs to get done the same day and what can be moved over. Remember we only have 24 hours in a day and 8 of them is for sleep. We can’t get everything done, but we can get the things we need to.
3. Delegate: Don’t carry the load yourself, ask for help, give tasks to those in your office and those in your home. Lean on your support system. When we got covid, my mother was a lifesaver – food was dropped, medicine was ordered, activity packs were bought. Part of delegating is outsourcing – since covid I have done most of my grocery shopping online, while in meetings. I have outsourced my daily home cleaning & gardening services. I can’t lie, coming home to a clean house just makes me feel relaxed automatically.
4. Time block: I give time to tasks rather than an endless to-do list. For example, 9am to 10am: I respond to emails; 11am to 1pm is scheduled meetings, 4pm to 5pm, I am preparing supper etc. This helps me stay focused and get the task done rather than guessing
5. Being flexible: Though routine is important, it’s important to keep things flexible enough to accommodate the unexpected things that moms encounter like sick kids, deadlines popping up, and the occasional meltdown. Having a time cushion and some backup plans can take the stress out of the unexpected, and keep one schedule hiccup from throwing off your whole day (or week).
6. Self-Care: it’s easy for us, as working moms to prioritise the kids, partner, work, household chores and so much more, but it is never easy to prioritise ourselves which can lead to us feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious. When we’re tired or have binged on junk food, we’re often less productive and organized, and this lack of clarity can translate into more time wasted throughout the day and less time available to get everything done that needs doing. So get quality sleep, eat a healthy diet, and follow other self-care strategies for mothers, and you’ll be operating at your best — and be less stressed.

These are a few of tips for making our busy lives much easier so that we can nurture our mental health, find a good work-life balance so that we can enjoy our work and family life and just ditch the guilt. Our goal as Working Moms Thrive is to ensure that we are not just coaxing through life-merely surviving but that we also thrive- reach our full potential and make most of the opportunities that life has for us.

If you haven’t downloaded our Self-Care E-Book do so today-it is a great way making sure that you are making time for yourself in your busy schedule.

Written by Danielle

Being a working mom is hard enough without all the other judgment and guilt – from others and ourselves.  But like a lot of things with parenting, it’s not the actual time and effort that we put into integrating the different parts of our lives that is so hard; it’s the almost constant barrage of stereotypes and misconceptions we have to face as working moms.  And these are dangerous – as they are part of the societal structures that hold women back.

So let’s talk a little about a few of the myths we encounter as working moms and how to overcome them…

1. A working mom cannot dedicate much time to her family.

This myth hurts because it hits at the core of our often strongly held guilt about working and mothering.  And yet, it just isn’t true.  Working moms may not be there as much as others in quantity, but it’s well documented that we prioritize quality time with our families.  We know the importance of being present when we are with our kids and we work on switching off to make this happen. If guilt and shame is something you struggle with, you might be interested in our free 5-day email course about working through our guilt and shame as working moms.

2. Working moms are not reliable.

This fallacy is often the root cause of why some employers are reluctant to take on working moms. There is the assumption that she is going to be late, distracted and unproductive a lot of the time, and probably need lots of time off. And yet, unreliability is NOT a characteristic I see in many working moms.  The constant need to juggle various schedules, calendars, and priorities means working moms are experts at reliably getting the job done.  And yes, we may need more flexibility (kids get sick, cars break down and people need us) but that doesn’t mean our performance is affected.  In fact, research shows that flexible work places actually have increased levels of productivity and efficiency from it’s workers.  This might be one you have to tackle head on, when you see it.  Speak up about your needs, but also about your skills and your well-honed abilities in taking care of literally everything.

3. Mothers work in order to avoid housework.

This is just a ridiculous assertion!  Housework needs to be done regardless of whether you work or not; and most working moms continue to carry the double shift of having to work all day and then run the household once home.  Even those working moms who have help in the home while they work are often still responsible for the daily organizing and running of the household, shopping, washing and cooking.  Don’t even waste your time trying to justify this one – every mom knows just how hard you work!

4. Working moms ridicule stay at home moms.

Ever wonder why the world is so intent on pitting moms against moms?  This myth feeds right into that societal stereotype. And yes, the world of parenting is certainly filled with it’s fair share of judgment, on all sorts of topics, but really underneath it all is our fear that we are failing and that by choosing something other than what I’ve chosen it somehow says I’m wrong.  Parenting is hard, whether we work or whether we stay at home. We are all just trying to do the best we can for ourselves and our families.  Some of us choose to work, others to stay at home.  Some of us work and wish we could be at home and others are at home and wish we could be at work. And whether we are a working mom or a stay at home mom, we all love our kids, are doing our best and have good days and bad days.  So let’s just offer up the support we all need to each other, instead of trying to pit ourselves against each other. 

5. Working moms are miserable.

If you’ve been following us on Instagram, you know that this is not true.  Research has shown that working moms are typically happier than those of us who stay home.  And the reasons for this are many.  The opportunities afforded to working moms to use their strengths and skills, develop their interests and social circles and provide for their families can often be seen as fulfilling and meaningful.  And if working moms are unhappy, perhaps its got to do more with a society that doesn’t see their uniqueness, value their contributions and help them balance all the parts of their lives.

Because balancing the roles we play (or integrating them into a fulfilling life) is hard work.  There are ups and downs.  But that job doesn’t need to be made harder because of the judgement of those around us and our culture at large.  It’s high time we stop pitting moms against each other and just offer support.  We need to value the contribution working moms are making at home and at the office.  We need to value ourselves.  After all, moms (working and stay at home) are raising the next generation.  Shouldn’t we be doing everything we can to ensure we have all we need to do this well?

If you’d like some ideas about how to build self-care into your busy life so that you can tackle these myths head on, sign up here to get our free self-care guide.

Written by Robyn Jacobs

I remember sitting in my feminist psychology lectures in third year and my lecturer (a beautiful, strong woman) loudly stated that women can have it all – family, career, marriage, friends, but that it will come at a cost. I remember being surprised by this statement. I grew up in an all-women household, and went to an all-girl school and was constantly told we could have it all. So what did she really mean? Surely women don’t have to choose still between career and motherhood in the 21st century?

As the years have gone by, starting my career, getting married, having children and all that life throws at you, that statement resonates with me more and more – “You can have it all but it comes at a cost.” I have encountered challenges as I navigated tertiary education, receiving 3 degrees; entered the workplace where micro-aggressions have hit me and where I’ve had to deal with racism, stereotypes, the huge pay gap between men & women (particularly women of colour) and unwanted male attention. And after getting married, having kids and still choosing to work, I have encountered additional challenges too. I have been exhausted, I have suffered from burnout and I have had so much self-doubt, which I still struggle with today.

The reality is that entering the workplace as a woman before I was married and had kids was tough, but being a working mom has been a hard-hitting reality which has left me asking, do I want to have it all? I love my job (I really do!), I love my family and I will do anything for my kids…but the problem is that working moms are doing so much more than working and looking after their kids. The mental load of a working mom is pure exhaustion – work projects due, managing teams, dealing with challenging working environments, sick kids, home chores, grocery shopping, doctors appointments, school assignments, making sure your kids are making their developmental milestones and so on.

Trying to have it all and fitting into everyone else’s expectations of what your life needs to be puts more pressure on ourselves than it needs to be. Do we need to be top of our game at work? Do our kids need the homemade cupcakes for their birthdays? Or the Pinterest birthday parties, home décor, big house, the fancy car or clothes. Is our purpose in life to have it all? Do all of these things really bring you happiness?

As I reflect on my lecturer’s statement, I have been asking myself what cost am I willing to pay to have it all. Maybe the costs means that we don’t need to have it all at one time. This is because at different seasons of our lives our priorities shift and different aspects of our lives are going to have to take a backseat at times. For example, maybe when our kids are little we want to take a slower path in our career and slowly build on it as our kids get older and need us less. Or maybe we want to pursue our career right now because of the opportunities available to us and save money so that as they get older we can lessen our work load.

Many have decided a 9-to-5 job is not an option while having kids and decided to start their own business. This is still hard work but comes with the flexibility of being there when our children need it most. Others have approached this and decided to work part-time so they can work while their kids are at school and then be at home when the kids are at home.

Whatever choice we make, we need to understand deeply what makes us happy, what helps our relationships that we are in (in our marriages, with our children, extended family and friends) and what are the costs we will inevitably have to pay so that we can pursue our own dreams and not those of someone else.

I have found what makes me content is to strive for happiness, not perfection. I have reset my expectations and have found that my timeline, my life choices make sense for me and my family; and I don’t need to explain that to anyone else. So perhaps as working moms we need to reflect on the following:

1. What are your values and what are your priorities?
2. What can you do to lessen your mental load as a working mom? How can you reduce stress?
3. Can you recognise when you are feeling overwhelmed or struggling with anxiety? How are you taking care of yourself?
4. What boundaries are you putting in place so that you can spend time where you want to?
5. How can you shift your perspective from work-life balance to work-life integration?
   

So instead of trying to have it all, ask yourself what makes you happy? What do you value? What compromises or sacrifices are you willing to make? Maybe there is freedom in not ‘having it all’ and choosing a life that makes you happy.

Written by Dani

I am not a procrastinator by nature – unless something causes me anxiety.  Then my default coping mechanism is avoidance.  This is probably way it’s taken me 4 days to sit down and write this post.  Boundaries… Something we’ve spend quite a bit of time talking about this month, but not something that has necessarily come easy to me.  Setting healthy boundaries in a respectful way is something I’ve had to learn.  And to be honest, it’s something I still have to work at.  Intellectually I know why it’s important and healthy.  I even know how to do it.  And yet I can get caught up in my own web of people pleasing and self-doubt which sabotages any effort I want to make.  Is it just me?

So what is a mom to do?  Well, I can tell you what works for me.  When I’m struggling to state and follow through on my boundaries, I try to remind myself of what happens when I don’t set them (I get resentful and even rage-filled) and of the benefits of setting boundaries.  I also practice some positive self-talk, deep breathing and then send a text or a phone call which sets up a conversation I can’t easily back out of.

But just what are the benefits of setting healthy boundaries?  I have found listing them for myself really helps give me the impetus to put boundary setting in to practice…

• It helps build our self-esteem – setting healthy boundaries helps us to put ourselves first and in doing so it can boost the way we see ourselves and the value we hold in our own self-worth. 
• It has enormous benefits to our mental and emotional health – when we set healthy boundaries we decrease our stress and anxiety, feel less resentment and rage, and increase our feelings of peace and safety.
• It helps develop my self-awareness – boundary setting means I need to get clear on who I am, what I want, my beliefs and value systems.  Recognizing that I’m feeling resentful or angry because a boundary has been crossed, helps me to then recognize what that value in my life is and how to make sure people are more aware of my needs.
• It helps me avoid burnout – such a vitally important thing as a working mom, where overwhelm and burnout are all to prevalent.  By knowing myself and my limits, I can communicate these and put measures in place to ensure I don’t become overwhelmed, stressed out and fatigued.  It also means we are able to be more compassionate as we have the mental and emotional space to be there for people.
• It brings a greater sense of identity and focus on my own well-being.  Setting healthy boundaries helps us to know ourselves better, focus on what is meaningful and important to us and then have the time and energy to do what is important to us.  This greatly impacts how we see ourselves and the purpose we find our lives.
• It grows our independence and assertiveness skills – and who doesn’t want that.  These skills can only be helpful in the workplace and in our personal lives.
• It deepens honest communication which in turn positively impacts our relationships.  Relationships work best when we are clear about our expectations and needs.  This also means there is often less conflict in our relationships as everyone knows where the other stands.  By setting healthy boundaries we show ourselves and the important people in our lives respect.  In turn, we feel better understood and more wholly accepted.

Setting boundaries may not come naturally to some of us, but nothing worth having in life comes easily.  The benefits of setting boundaries is no different.  Hopefully, this list helps motivate you as much as it does me.  So go on, put yourself first, set a boundary respectfully and see how it feels.  Let us know how it goes…

Written by Robyn

It’s a Sunday afternoon and I am already thinking of how crazy my week is looking…I have two big workshops, a proposal due, I need to help my 6 year old son with his dinosaur oral, my 4 year is starting to get sick and I definitely need to get ahead of his cold, plus food prep for the week, visiting grandparents, buying a birthday gift and the list goes on.

Stress is real, exhaustion is real and yet I need to show up for my family, my team and most importantly myself.  Now you add on anxiety around Covid-19 (should you send your kids to school or not, should you be going to that get together?), financial stress, unscheduled homework, tantrums, extended family drama and a friend who needs support, it all becomes so overwhelming.

The thing is I really love my job and I love being a mom. Last year, I was so close to burnout trying to get everything right and perfect-my health was declining and it was a big wakeup call that I needed to deal with the stress and not just move it along, hoping it would just fade away. The truth is that you cannot stop the stress BUT you can learn how to cope with it, how to reduce anxiety and depression that can come along with it; and know when to get some professional help when the coping mechanisms are not relieving you of any of the anxiety you are feeling.

Over the years I know when my anxiety peaks when I start feeling overwhelmed, when I feel like I can’t get things done or concentrate on one task, when my body is run down & I start getting sick. These are the first signs. The worst part is when I am not dealing with my stress correctly, it is those closest to me that I snap at, get moody with and receive my bad side. I have found tools that have helped me to keep calm in the crazy moments, pause when I need it and essentially training myself to reset during the day when I start feeling tense, short tempered and irritable.

I have learnt great tools to reduce stress and cope with life’s unpredictability, though at times it is incredibly hard BUT by being consistent and practicing daily I have seen a great change in my mood, my ability to reduce stress, improvements in my relationships and work productivity.

Here are some ideas to reduce stress and anxiety that I have found really helpful (and also based on some research):

• Deep breathing: as I feel my shoulders tense, my breathing getting shorter when I see my to-do list is getting longer & longer, I now walk away from my workspace and put the kettle on and practice deep breathing. I breathe deeply through my nose and out my mouth; and let my thoughts wander. There are also great apps that you can download to practice breathing during stressful moments or just before you go to bed.
• Movement: stress, anxiety & depression are deep set feelings that we hold within our body; and we need to work it out. Moderate exercise is a great way of your body producing endorphins which is a natural mood stabilizer. The best thing about exercise is that you can include your kids (it’s a great way of getting energy our, dealing with meltdowns & resetting mood within the house) and have fun with your family. Go walk the dog, run and play at the park, do you yoga and stretching. Find an exercise regimen that works for you.
• Adapt & re-prioritize: sometimes working on that proposal for work needs to wait because your kid needs you right now. The great thing about plans is that they need to be flexible and we need to learn to adapt. Another part of prioritizing is learning to say no. This is not easy (particularly for those who like to please) but it is important that we can learn to say no to commitments (do you have to go to every kid’s birthday party?)
• Ask for help: Look at your support structure and identify who is that you trust who help you with the kids, household chores or meals. I am forever grateful to our parents who play an important part in our kids’ lives as well as our domestic worker who keeps my house clean. I know I cannot do everything and it is important.  Part of asking for help is also delegating at work, do you need to do everything can someone on your team take some pressure off of you?
• Adjust your standards & expectations: This is a big one for me! I needed to reflect why do I have certain standards and expectations and where they were coming from. When setting expectations, it’s important that you’re mindful of your energy level, prior commitments and emotional state. One way to put this into practice is to write down your goals and reassess them each week to see if they are working or if they need to be tweaked.  
• Build in “me time”: Self-care is so important. We have spent the last month talking about it but really there are so many ways that you can fit it in.
• Trim the budget: Financial stress is big particularly school fees, paying off a bond, food and petrol prices increasing every month and making sure everyone gets what they need. Having a plan to ease your financial stress is vitally important. Ask tough questions- do you need to have takeout? Do you need that cup of coffee? Being honest about what can you cut out, and determining what is a need versus what is a want is a great way of reducing debt & unnecessary purchases.

Being a working mom is exhausting and now more than-ever are we under much more stress than ever before. By making some changes and tweaks in your daily life, practicing these skills consistently you can not only survive as a working mom, you can thrive, and flourish.

Written by Danielle Moosajie